va voom
2:51 a.m. || Thursday, Dec. 05, 2002
all the things i own are bringing me down, making me feel like a boat with weights in its belly sinking and forgetting how it ever floated. the book about developmentally disabled children that i was reading while the kids watched mary poppins said that you should make sure your "slow" child didn't get fat "like a bloated balloon" because that would make them "stick out even more" and it made me feel like crying because it was just a horrible thing to say.
i have too much and i wish i could put it all in a pile and light it on fire. mom and dad paid good money for all of it at some time and it's just clutter now. my brain is clutter too. most things in this house are really.
it's not that i don't want anything. i want these things: a bed, some books, and my computer. the rest can go to hell. i don't know. i guess i'm still looking for a way to be free to be free got to get out of this place because i feel like an alien, a water balloon on the house sploosh splosh splosh and boom went my brain at midnight like a train and its whistle blows like my fear and i want to crawl into bed forever and be a sleeping beauty or ugly, whichever, don't matter if you're asleep.
erin has been sad lately. she should go be with larry and be happy and in love. it is hard to see her sad. and sara is sad too. and everyone is. i thought about writing to M tonight and telling him about how awful he was but realized it was cold hearted and i didn't want to be that way. same thing happened when i thought about T.
crying is for chumps but here i go again, sob sob sob. i'll put in a few good tears for you, if you're sad too. i'd like to fly to venus and burn up. va-voom.