"...the roar rising from the void..."
7:36 p.m. || Monday, Dec. 09, 2002
I don't have anyone of my own, and it's come to my attention that being adult has something to do with being responsible and available all the time.
I'm in the process of running away from my life, but it isn't enough to stop me from biting my lip all day.
I have no stories of my own and I don't really have a community or any one person that is always around. No one to talk to at 5am, no one who understands how important that is to me.
I turned down work today. I shouldn't have I realize. But I couldn't say yes, the sky was too dark and I was too dark. Money and responsibility are still just vague concepts to me, because I have no one to spend money for, and no one to be responsible for.
I don't have anyone of my own. It makes a difference. I dreamed about finding the hotel or home in London and just talking to her. And then kissing her until she saw reason, or rather, that reason has no place in any of this.
In waking moments, however, I think in organized lists, to save my heart with my brain. I didn't really know her, she was never around, and she dumped me and then she ran away. I shouldn't want her back I guess. Maybe she was too afraid of herself to be any good for me. But.
Obviously the rest of me is not listening because I am always biting my lip, always trying to hide farther away, always finding out that I can't find a reason not to cry.
I sat on the couch last night and thought, very resigned, it won't get better. Sometimes I feel like feelings can be frozen into one long moment that never ends. Like this isolation could last until I'm 80 because I'm just no good at anything.
I'm resentful and I shouldn't be. I can't help it. I just keep trying to ride it out, but it doesn't seem like there's any chance of improvement on days like today.
C