It won't be the first heart that you break...
1:40 a.m. || Monday, Dec. 02, 2002
long drive home with the blue sky. kind of reminded me of cotton candy but more polluted i'm afraid. i just lay on my back [no seatbelt i confess] with blanket and pillow; i thought about current and past grievances, and the way the trees tend to frame the last bits of pink quickly turning black.
i decided i was going to listen to sister's cds instead of my own [she listened to one of mine so we're even] so i listened to all kinds of stuff i hadn't listened to since middle school.
ha. silverchair, matchbox20. it was very strange to hear it all and remember people. mostly mara, because she loved both of those bands. still does, most likely.
I enjoyed it thoroughly -but- I listened to Last Beautiful Girl with completely new ears.
Last Beautiful Girl
This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can't take back
Now every fool in town would've left by now
I can't replace all the wasted days
The memory of your face - can't help thinkin'
Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together
Where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
Here's what I'm thinking...
It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
Tell me one more time
How you're sorry about the way
This all went down - you needed to find your space
You needed to still be friends
Needed me to
Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together
You'd comfort me
Tell me but forever
And the promises I never should have believed in
Here's what I'm thinking...
It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
It's over now - And I've gone without
Cuz you're everybody else's girl
It seems to me - you'll always be
Everyone else's girl
This will all fall down
Like everything in the world
This too must end
And everything else that was
We can't take back
Who knows if I was meant to hear it or if I heard what I wanted. But it said something to me, to who I am now.
I've realized, through everything, that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.
I am struggling with some issues re:love, but I don't have a lot of bitterness there [just pangs of anger now and then, I'm ashamed to say]. It's mostly about family and friends.
But I know that the people who gave me Hell were way insecure and way fucked up and nothing will go their way if they behave that way towards other human beings. If they had done to others what they did to me, they'd be in deep shit now. I was way more tolerant than I should have been. I was way more tolerant than anyone else put in my position would have been. They got off easy.
I'm not out to be aggressive or cruel. But I am going to do some defensive moves from now on. I will not sit around and let people pick on me or do things to me. Which seems fair and wise.
You'll notice the new layout has no links to email, notes, or guestbook. I do apologize for that. But, in the past, cowards used those places to write hateful things to me and to others [I'm still sorry about getting you involved in that Kathleen]. I see no reason to invite them to do it again.
In any case. I assume that's all I'll need to say about that shit from here on out.
To summarize: 1) Long Drive with music gave way to thoughts on failed relationships, people in my life. 2) I'm sick of assholes. 3) From now on there's no need to discuss any of this because I have made myself clear.
Good night all. Hope it's pretty where you are tonight.
-C