"...And I think my head is caving in..."
1:50 a.m. || Friday, Dec. 13, 2002
I registered my classes for school in the spring. I don't know if I will actually go to them though. I don't even know if I'll even be here in the spring. How strange.
I worked from 1:30pm to 11:00pm. Gross. I feel very tired. And also, I'm such a huge dork. I've been listening to MB20 for a couple of days. I realize that it's not exactly high culture music, but it seems to make sense right now. "Now I'm crying- isn't that what you want? And I'm trying to live my life on my own. At times I do believe I am strong. So why do I feel stupid, and I come undone?" [too lazy to look up, approximation.]
Also, I seem to have another cold. Double gross. But it'll pass.
I'm so sick of the commercials for The Wild Thornberry's movie. I mean I don't hate the show or anything but Nick at Nite has been pushing it so hard that I feel like my brain will implode if I ever hear paul simon singing that song from the soundtrack again. BLAH. I'm such the Grouch today.
So anyway. Martha told me tonight that I should let her know if anything incredible came up [such as possibly leaving the country for LEAP], because Cosco [the other person who watches the kids] might be going back to school and so they might have to find another person that can work full time anyway.
This made me very happy. I was really afraid to ask them about it. I felt really guilty, because although it's not in writing or anything, I pretty much committed to [AGH- THE WILD THORNBERRY COMMERCIAL- AGAIN! IT'S BEEN WHAT, 2 MINUTES???!!!] work until E went to kindergarten, which wouldn't be until fall 2003.
So now I think I have a real chance of being somewhere interesting doing something interesting. Wouldn't that be nice? I feel like I am going to lose it if I don't leave soon.
Everything in this town reminds me of things I would rather forget. My mediocre childhood, and portions of my ongoing adolescence. Blah. It was all a waste of time, and I can do better things with my time now. At least I hope I can.
I have the feeling that if I actually tried, and if I actually was challenged, I could do something interesting with myself. I hope that doesn't sound vain.
I just find that the more I read, the more I think. The more I think, the more I realize how much I haven't been thinking these last few months. I allowed everything to die.
[sneeze sneeze] Damn. I think I'm running out of kleenex. Is there a term for when a specific brand becomes the term for everything [like xerox or kleenex]? Hm.
I had the worst Chinese food today. The worst Chinese food, ever. I couldn't eat most of it, until I was so hungry that I swallowed things before I could taste them and it didn't matter anymore.
FYI- These are the classes I signed up for. Not exactly practical classes, but screw it.
1) History of Ethnic Groups in California
2) Music of the Americas
3) Creative Writing 1
4) Women on Writing [importance of women in literature]
Basically, it's just stuff to pass the time. It was hard to find classes that fit in my schedule [I have weird work hours that seem to interfere with 90% of the classes offered].
So, I'm happy with what I got.
But really, what I want is to be in another country in 6 weeks. Why shouldn't I have fun?
C