nelson mandela jesus frida kahlo the world me
9:58 p.m. || 2002-06-06
So I graduated. I wish I had someone lovely to share it with. But that is my only regret. That I don't have someone lovely nearby at all times, to come out of the woodwork for nice events and then go and be productive somewhere else when I feel anti-social.
Many people don't believe me when I say I'm not so much a social person. I guess that may be because of days like today. I mean I guess it would be hard to understand why a girl who can sing in front of at least 200 people is not into people.
But truth is, I don't do it for other people anymore. I used to. But now I get up there, and my head is like a metronome and my throat is like a flute and I am the human instrument and inside I'm regulating, seeing what needs adjusting so I can be the best I've ever been. There are no people, there is only me the piano and the light blinding me from above.
I meandered around the Lowell campus all afternoon, waiting for it to be time to graduate. Waiting for it to be time to sing. For once I could feel that impatient pulse, like let's just go, I want to go now. When I was at SOTA, I dreaded every performance. I got my love of performance back today.
Anyway. Lowell has these murals all over their art/performing arts section of the school. They're awesome. Students did a huge mural of artists that came from or moved to the bay area. It had Janis Joplin, Jerry Garcia, Ruth Asawa, Johnny Mathis, John Lee Hooker, Robin Williams, Diego Rivera, Frieda Kahlo, and so many others. There was a book on the wall, with quotes about art from artists. I read it, and I was filled with peace.
And then Charlotte, the MC, asked all of the performers to pray with her, and I did 'cause I'm down [even if I'm not religious]. And she said a very nice prayer. I remember holding their hands and closing my eyes.
And as I was walking down the hall and into the auditorium, I saw a piece of paper on the art door with a quote from Nelson Mandela. I had read it before, but it took on a new meaning. To paraphrase [and you'll probably know it, it's a famous quote] he said that it didn't do anyone any good to be quiet and make sure you were unassuming and unthreatening. He said that we are all most frightened, not of our darkness, but of our light.
And the part that I found myself chewing over as I sat and stood and waited was, "You are a child of God." And I thought to myself, God is not an entity, it's a feeling. And it's larger than religion. And it's something we have inside us. And again I felt peace. Because God, as Jesus was always saying, is love. It's love, man.
Once I was talking about how I wasn't religious to my grandmother and also about how I felt about how we should all treat each other, and she told me even if I wasn't religious, I said pretty Christian things. Which is an honor I suppose. Christ was a cool guy. He and I could have had a chat. And I guess in a way I am a Christian. I believe that everything he said about how we should treat each other was wise, and true. And that God stuff is secondary to the idea that we should be good to each other, that we should cherish each other.
So I graduated today, and I seemed out about social but I was really thinking about Nelson Mandela Frida Kahlo Carlos Santana God Jesus and how I fit in the world if I fit at all. My stepfather wrote in my graduation card, is the world ready for you? And I think that was as good a theme for the day as I'm going to get. Is it?
I am amazed by the generosity my family possesses [so many s's in that word- is it spelled right? hm]. I see them keep giving to me, and I don't think I deserve it. I see myself fighting with my mother and I know I'm doing it and I don't know why and I can't stop it. I sometimes feel like there's an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, but the devil has the angel bound and gagged.
In any case. The song [bridge over troubled water] went well, with only one mistake clocked by my head that keeps track of all vocal flaws, and I don't think it was noticed. I was proud of me. And I can honestly say that I didn't care what anyone said or thought about it. Still don't.
Also. My application was accepted for the disabled class, but I can't take the test that I have to take until August, so I guess I won't be working until fall. Sigh. However I got a call from the library asking if I was still interested in the job. I have an interview on Wednesday at 10. I'll probably have to find another job as well. Probably at Stonestown. Sigh. I'd rather be working with the kids. Oh well. Next year, I guess.
So now there's just the recital to worry about. I'm glad that my teacher from high school is going to be able to come- that's awesome. Also, my teacher from the poetry class is coming. And guess what? She sent me the sweetest letter, like just to say hi! Who does that nowadays? And she said I should send her some of my writing, and I should visit her at her houseboat [which I really want to do]. And anyway, I think she is just the coolest and am so glad she's going to be there Saturday. Supportive people like her rock my world.
And I do believe I'm talked out now.
Sail on silver girl.
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
-The high school graduate [claire]