first entry, holding secrets like apples in a basket
2:53 p.m. || 2002-04-18
secret: last night, i dreamt that ang and i were lost and we were trying to get over the golden gate bridge, but to get there we had to drive up these colored concrete blocks that passed for a road, and they went up like steps. and it was so dark, and so foggy.
secret: i also dreamt that i was some person that was very important to the universe, like some ..i dunno..blessed person or something, go figure, and i had taken a taxi to wherever i was going, and i used my mother's debit card to pay and my dad kept yelling, make sure it's the debit card, not the credit card. and when i got there, people kept coming into my hotel room, trying to kill me, and i bashed many a head against a wall. it was disturbing. and they would all say things to me that were...eery. that's the only way i can put it.
secret: i'm sick of having to move around like this. having threatening letters in a place that is supposed to be your safe place really sucks.
secret: i think about dying every night before i go to sleep, and i wonder a lot about why it is that i can't believe in a heaven or a hell or an anywhere, why it is that my heart knows that when it stops beating, it will be buried and so will the rest of me, and that will be the end of the story. i've always wanted to have religious beliefs, but my mind just doesn't let me. i can't believe.
secret: did you know that i have a theory, that when we die and become soil and grow apples or something, and someone eats the apple, and grows with it, i think that that is reincarnation?
secret: i will be coming back here. hoping i won't have to move again.
-claire